what if?

I often think about this when I am super appreciative of something that Kiki is doing that could seem normal or common sense to most people.

I do not take any appreciation, love caring, attentiveness from him for granted, ever.

I have been abandoned.
I have been unloved.
I have felt abuse that I don’t wish on anybody.

But, the appreciation and gratitude that I have for our life could never be without my darkest hours. #amen#overcomer

grant yourself kindness

This is one of the hardest parts of living so long in a toxic and abusive relationship.

Years later and I still have this inner feeling that’s so critical and defensive. I have to calm my constant state of proving myself worthy to be loved or wanted.

When you’ve been abused and abandoned by the person who vowed to protect you it’s easy to see a villain in just about any situation.

It’s easy to believe that everyone will eventually leave or hurt you or both.

The healing comes when you allow someone to love you how you deserve despite how you have been conditioned.

Allowing grace to fill your heart and soul to live in the loving moment and not your traumatic past. 🖤🖤🖤

Fukuna MatataGuy!

Testing. Testing. 2019. 🗣

If I haven’t been tossed and thrown through the emotional ringer the last couple weeks.
Ouch. 🤕🤯😤 Nothing is harder than dealing with the tough shit while simultaneously being tough for the little humans around me.

One day they will know ALL there is to know but today is not that day. Today we laugh after school, have pizza and maybe some ice cream, take our family walk and go to bed safe, smiling and thanking God we have each other.

My emotional growth and healing continues to be tested but I will not allow the past to harm our future no matter how much these events knock me down and take my focus. I will keep getting up and fighting for our toxic free life.

Our happy healthy happy.

Fukuna MatataGuy! ✌🏼

Donut Worry, Be Happy.

I’m a cryer. 
I cry when I’m excited, sad, mad, happy etc etc. #alltheemotions

I had taken a happier selfie but then I had a moment. A moment when my eyes filled with tears and my brain and body was overwhelmed with anxiety and fear. A moment that can be paralyzing for me. Why this happens exactly I’m not sure, usually a trigger of some kind.

But the trigger is not what I think about, it’s how I cope with what’s happening that I focus on. 
I find the days when my hormones switch from ovulating to preparing for my period my emotions take a dive. If I’m not careful I can spend days in a huge funk, when I was drinking these days could turn into weeks.

Using alcohol to cope with feeling bad only pushed me further down. Such a viscous cycle and when you’re in the midst of it all and still “functioning” it seems a perfectly normal to cope.

Eliminating alcohol from my tool box has allowed me to really feel, in the mornings when I would have still been too groggy to function let alone to be awake at all, I’m up before the sun enjoying my drive with a smile on my face on the way to the gym. + yes sometimes tears…as I’m just so overwhelmed with GRATITUDE.

But it also makes me sit in the pain and the anguish that comes along with life and the past that we have had.

Things that would have sent me “needing a glass of wine” now have me breathing through, crying it out, and straight up LETTING IT GO!!! The shift in my mindset in my weakest moments has been nothing short of amazing.

Numbing the issues is no longer an option so I’m forced to push through and come out the other side. 
What Ive discovered during the last 332 days is I am more forgiving, loving, creative and feel more compassion that ever before. I can live in the moment and let go, I can breathe easy knowing, IM IN CONTROL + I GOT THIS.

There will always be shitty days, shitty people and just shit luck. We were dealt some shit cards but there is no way I’m gonna let a few bad moments kill the new vibe of our life. 

I was given a GIFT of this life and I plan to ENJOY IT. If I have to cry sometimes too, so be it! 

Put a little Neosporin on it.

Sooo after my ex almost killed me smashing his head to mine repeatedly he told me to put a “little Neosporin on it”.

Like that actually happened. Minutes after seeing me bloody and broken that was his response.
Not medical attention or any type of remorse.
Nope. NEOSPORIN. 🤦🏻‍♀️ like first of all DUDE
Gross. 🤢 We don’t use that ish. ❌

Secondly. A doctor. 
I need a medical doctor read also stitches!!! 🙄🙄 I had a concussion and a split open face. I was so confused on what heck I was to do, my children were more confused than me and terrified!!!! I just felt if I went to the hospital they would take my kids.

I know sounds crazy, but I didn’t have anyone nearby I could call. I didn’t seek medical attention in fear of them being taken from me while I’m states away from anyone we could trust or could help us. 
He went off to work. Yes. Work. 

Within 48 hours we had packed and left but that’s only the beginning of his promises to fix my face and get me “plastic surgery” 🤔

Ha. I laugh when I think about how many emails said he would pay for my plastic surgery. 😒🤣 They say you cant get fixed by what broke you. + no doubt that’s true. 
thanks to the warrior scar serum I never once had to consider help from my attacker for my healing.

Here is some more info and what I use for my scar healing.  
Warrior Scar Serum. ✨👏🏼🌈

Leave the Light On

I lost my husband to addiction.

He’s still living (we think) but as a husband and father to my children, addiction to pills took him about a year into our marriage. I didn’t realize how bad til years later and by the end it got so bad he was stealing money from us nightly and when I planned to leave he nearly killed me in front of our 3 boys.

We left.

We are safe.

But he is gone. Long gone into addiction, despite being giving tons of opportunities to recover or at least try.

Sadly during our life together alcohol was my crutch. It was my fuel to survive him.

++ survive I did.

Now that I’m almost 300 days #alcoholfree and over 2 years gone, I see how badly alcohol kept me captive to him and his abusive life.

I was almost killed by this man, on paper and as a human being he is literally a POS yet the more sober days under my belt the more I wish for him to find recovery.

For him to finally feel the happiness + peace the boys and I have.

I don’t want pay back; I don’t want revenge. I want him to finally be free from his addiction. 🙏🏼🖤

If you would have told me when I first left with a broken face these thoughts would be mine, I wouldn’t have believed you. I was still searching for answers; for a reason why. Answers + reasons that will never come.

I hope + pray someone, somewhere leaves the light on + he finds his way.

Thank You, Baby CoCo

I can put these pictures side-by-side but I can never compare these two women at all. They are not the same person. Not even close.

When I was pregnant with Nolan (age 31) I remember telling some of my closest friends that 33 was officially going to be my year, the year for me. I figured I’d have one year of a newborn + breastfeeding, one more of finding my groove working from home with 3 kids but after that it’s on and I was getting my happy.

I had no idea how profound + true that statement was going to be. During the first years of Nolan’s life I breastfed til 11 months, moved to North Carolina and had our life flipped upside down. We moved back to Florida after leaving my ex for abuse at 33. By 34 we were in our first place with our STUFF and by 35 I was celebrating over a year with my soul mate #keeksncokes and living my BEST life.

This July I turn 36 with a year of living alcohol free under my belt; I’ll be running in my first 5k and jumping in the lavender fields in Utah with my MOM. I’ll come home to a man who fully supports me and my dreams 💯. Kiss on my happy and healthy children, ready to take on the next year fulfilled!

I may not be that girl on the left anymore, not even close. But I thank her. I thank her for being brave, for not giving up and for speaking into the universe that we deserve and demand better and making it happen! 👊🏼🖤✨

what a dark + bumpy dark with so much joy and sunshine at the other end. 🌈✨💫🖤 .