You can not heal in the place that made you sick.

Everyday since saying no to alcohol, I’ve learned things about myself that I had been hiding away out of fear, anxiety, and past trauma.

When you aren’t able to be your true self even in your own home this puts a darkness and negative energy on who you are.

It makes you doubt, have guilt, resentment and get angry.

You can not heal in the place that made you sick

#readthatagain

As I slowly allowed things I was hiding with booze to emerge, I wasn’t greeted with insults or scare tactics. I wasn’t told I was too sensitive or crazy.

I was met with kindness + hugs. Forehead kisses and whispers of it’s going to be ok. I was told I was enough and how loved I was. 🖤 #ohkiki

Some days it didn’t make any sense to me. When you’re treated one way for so long you start to second guess things. 

You start to wait for things to go wrong. 
When will he be mean to me? When will he hurt me? 
But the truth that shows up daily is that he’s NEVER going to be mean to me. He’s never going to hurt me.

+ in my most weak and vulnerable he will only help and protect me.

We are not perfect. Lord knows we will make mistakes. But we are in this for each others happiness and love without fear, without anxiety, without anger + regret. 


Everyday I fall more in love with this man as he continues to show me over and over I am safe, loved and enough. #keeksncokes

Get Your Boy, I’ll Handle Mine.

This morning I woke for the gym with a message being told by FTG’s aunt that I shouldn’t share + post like I do to protect my boys.

The irony is thick with this one. 🙃🙃

SPOILER: they wont need my Instagram to form an opinion of their father, he is doing his own job showing them IRL.

I won’t be silenced or guilted. I am 100% putting my children first, that’s been for always. I’ll be damned if I won’t post for the women and the kids still stuck. Nope. This is for them.

I won’t be quiet because reading what I wrote (aka lived 😞) makes you uncomfortable. Do you think my mother or father like hearing or reading how awful things were? NO! But they forgive themselves for not knowing or understanding.

We are building a life of PEACE, TRUTH, HAPPINESS and LOVE. We are NOT hiding or lying to save face. We aren’t pretending people or times of our lives don’t exists.

Get your boy and I’ll handle mine. kthanks.  #blessandrelease#yougotmetwisted#fuckthatguy#ftg#ifyouonlyknew

The First Time

February 26, 2017 feels like ages ago yet if I think long enough I can still feel his fingers on my neck and ears. It legit sends shivers down my spine aand all of a sudden I’m there again. Holding my glasses…taking a beating.

I like to refer to the first time that #FTG beat me as the first time and the time we left (where he smashed me bloody in front of the boys) as the last time.

It helps me put a timeline to the chaos and it also makes it clear that this was not something I tolerated or lived with for long.

Now don’t get me wrong, after leaving, I’ve since learned the non-physical abuse is the hardest part to recover + attempt to heal from.

I often tell people I would take a million head butts to the forehead over the words he would say and the life he forced me to believe was mine to live.

You see a man hitting or striking you especially in front of your kids to me was a deal breaker, done. Of course.

But that’s not how it was, he only did everything else… stories for another day.

Growing up catholic it was ingrained in your head that marriage is forever, you “stand by your man” & moms take care of the family. That’s all I knew. Thank you, marriage class in high school. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I just thought I just picked a bad one and this was my life. A jerk, absent, self absorbed dude that just didn’t know how to be a good human + now this was my husband and father of my boys for better or worse. Seemed mainly worse and it sucked. He sucked. #barf

For YEARS I was so mad at myself. WHY HIM!?

But then I would look at Jax and just knew I was doing something right.

Jaxson was NOT planned, we found out he was coming only 9 months after I even met FTG. The 22-24 year old me was not the best at life decisions. Let’s just leave it at that for now. 😬

I felt like this was the price I pay for having kids without planning, their dad is shit. Now how fucked is that thinking?? Catholic guilt is real, my friends.

When people are just bad on the inside there’s nothing that you can do, there’s nothing that you can ever do to fix them. But I’m a fixer by nature so this failure to fix this very broken and sick man only took its toll on me and my self worth, confidence and overall out look on life. He basically beat me from the inside out.

That all being said it didn’t get violent til the end.

The first time although less bloody was far more traumatizing for me.

It’s was a good 45 minutes possibly more I was choked, pushed, dragged and thrown around. He held me in the air by my throat with my feet just dangling down as he made threats to shoot me and bury me in the backyard. At one point he had his gun and he was heading upstairs with the boys making threats to me. He tried to pull my ears off my actual face, he pulled and yanked on my nose, he pushed his fingers into my rib cage and dug his elbows into my sides. I’m convinced all that was to hurt me but leave less marks. It felt as if he was trying to take my ears and nose off. It’s a feeling I will never forget. At one point he slammed me so hard against the cabinets in the kitchen that a chunk of my hair was hanging from the knob the next day.

During all of this I did nothing. I didn’t fight back. I didn’t yell. I didn’t do anything.

I still sometimes really struggle with this.

Why didn’t I fight him off?

Why didn’t I do more?

I’m feisty. I’m strong. I NEVER would have thought I would go down without a fight. But I did. I didn’t fight. I didn’t yell. I hardly cried or made sounds of the excruciating pain.

I really believe that’s what saved me.

Maybe I did fight?

Staying calm and almost allowing him to do what he did gave me the control he clearly didn’t have. I just calmly would say.

You will never get away with this. There is no way. If you kill me you will go down for this. They will find you. You’re not smart enough to clean up this mess. I’m going to have marks all over. I can still feel your fingers in my face and neck. You will never get away with this.

It was about midnight when this was happening. The boys were upstairs sleeping but I’m still convinced Jax woke and that’s actually what calmed Jason down enough for him to leave.

This had stemmed from a huge series of events, lies and scams by him. He had been staying in a room downstairs since we moved there just one month prior and I was building my plan to leave him.

He had chosen pills and lies for the last time and when he continued to empty our bank act and I couldn’t even pay Carter’s tuition at preschool I had enough.

I was going to leave him + that was that. He knew it was over and between that and my attempts to cut off his access to our money set him out of control. Without access to cash he couldn’t get pills and if you know anything about a pill addict you understand there was no stopping him, the lack of pills and money only enraged + instigated him.

But I needed to stop his spending and stealing from us. I work virtually so all my funds need a bank and I never have cash. Even after cutting up cards, closing acts and hiding my purse every night he would still find ways to get in the bank and take money and leave us with nothing.

I didn’t have money for tampons or food. He left us without our basic needs and to me I didn’t need a deal breaker anymore. I just needed away from him.

The lack of pills pushed him slowly into detox and this is where it all escalated and with quickness.

I said something he misunderstood and before I knew it I was hanging in the air by my neck. I didn’t run or try to get away when he came at me, I was confused, I think. My head still couldn’t grasp that he was capable of physically assaulting me.

It wasn’t til my body was dangling above the 6.3 ft monster and I went into opossum mode did I see the black in his eyes and his empty soul.

I didn’t know what to do. But I knew we were never going to recover from this.

a little sunshine + whole lotta love

It’s amazing what a little bit a sunshine + whole lotta love will do for a girl. 😌🖤✨✨✨

Today 2 years ago we got the keys to a beautiful bright home with hope that yet another game of make believe will finally make life ok. 


Less than 45 days later my dad and brother were helping us load up what we could grab (I think it was 6 diffusers and zero socks if you’ve heard the story 😉). With my broken face + even more broken spirit, I packed up my terrified + confused children and we left.

I don’t think I’ve even been more unhappy then when we were in North Carolina, I blamed the weather, I blamed the state but now we know.

All that known, I absolutely wouldn’t change it if I had the chance.

Every single blood, sweat and tear brought us to where we are today.

I could not be more thankful + grateful that we are finally beyond happy, safe + loved. 🖤✨

Magical Grey Hairs

t’s funny. I would pluck these a lot more after we left.

My “magical” white patch of grey hairs. I noticed them the day we left….I was checking the giant bruise and cleaning off dried blood. 😞

They say there is no scientific proof that head trauma can cause your hair to change color but I don’t need a scientist to know that a section of my skull that never had a grey now had about 5 white ones exactly where part of my head was smashed in.😒😒

These hairs are a reminder of our old toxic life and how far we have come.

Maybe one day I’ll dye them but in the meantime Ill wear them as a badge of how freaking strong I am. If you’ve heard me talk about that day and the first incident 2 weeks before…I often say how shocked I was I didn’t fight back.

Like I went into the flight part when I figured I’d be all fight.

But you see that’s part of what saved me. I might not of fought on the outside. But the strength on the inside is what got us through and will always be what keeps us safe, happy + healthy. 

The Tale of the Warrior Scar Serum

From one of the worst experiences of my life The Warrior Scar Serum was born.

Once upon a time I sat alone in shock with a split open face, concussion, my aroma complete kit full of oils + my Essential Oils Desk Reference.

Every oil it listed for skin healing and scars if I had it, I grabbed it and started mixing.

They couldn’t stitch my head when I finally saw a doctor, it had been too long, but the healing of my face from the oils was quite incredible in just a few days. 

This story sucks, that time sucked. I’ll never forget how lonely I felt that night with that book and those oils. But I’ll tell you this. What has happened since and how alive and supported I feel now it’s really unreal. I don’t joke when I say oils saved us.

They did on so many levels.

We are forever changed for the better. I’ll never stop sharing our story. 🖤

Warrior Serum Recipe


Helichrysum
Sandalwood
Frankincense
Myrrh
Roman Chamomile
Geranium
Lavender

Fill rest with equal parts
Rosehip
Vitamin E
Jojoba

In a 1oz dropper I use 15 drops each of essential oil.

Start with what you have. Some of these are costly and also go out of stock. You can’t go wrong with even just 2 or 3 of what’s listed!! 😍✨

Heavy hitter if you want to invest in one that you don’t have is the the Helichrysum. 🖤