living like a fraud

@recoveryisthenewblack_ πŸŽ€ a little louder for the ones in the back. (but not too loud because I know you’re probs hungover 😡) This was a HUGE moment for me deciding to quit alcohol. How can I be healthy AND consume alcohol the way I did?

It’s an addicting substance that is no way good for your mental or physical state. It pushed my dark days deeper and made the mom guilt feel heavier. It kept me captive to abuse.

Celebrations and excuses aside.
Alcohol is TOXIC. πŸ’― +++ I felt like a fraud.

To be soooo β€œhealthy” in all these aspects of my life during then to drink poison at night. You don’t have to be a daily drinker to have a problem. If its limiting your life perhaps it’s time to try life without it.

Vegan, Paleo or Keto is hardly a feat if you rosΓ© all day or need booze to go to kids events or do yoga. πŸ–€πŸ–€

National Sober Day

oday I’m extra thankful for concealer, good lighting + my sobriety. All of which made this selfie possible. πŸ˜‚

Nothing like that #sober glow + everyone looks better less puffy. ☝🏼

416 days and a lifetime to go. πŸ‘πŸΌπŸ‘πŸΌ

Happy National Sober Day!!

400 Days

α•Όα‘Œα–‡α–‡Iα‘•α—©α‘Žα—΄ α•Όα—©Iα–‡
α—ͺOα‘ŽT α‘•α—©α–‡α—΄ πŸ’πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

Managed to get gas (that I actually needed) in the pre-storm chaos, was EARLY for Carter’s curriculum night where I kinda killed it as the mom who knew all the things. πŸ‘πŸΌ

oh yeah…. Iα—° 4️⃣0️⃣0️⃣ days α—©α’ͺα‘•Oα•ΌOα’ͺ α–΄α–‡α—΄α—΄ today.😎

three hundred sixty five

All that time in the gym and not once did I practice for this jump.

Something I wanted SO BAD and couldn’t wait to do, I didn’t plan out one bit. πŸ€”

Kinda like I do most things. Wing that shit. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ I go full force into something. I stumble + I fall but ultimately I fail my way to a WIN.

One might say I like to learn things the hard way. Mainly I just do it my own way. 😬

My journey to quit alcohol hasn’t been much different. My only goal was to go to bed without having a drink and repeat the next day. I didn’t want to give myself rules or follow someone’s way. I didn’t want to label myself or make myself do a certain amount of meetings or steps.

It’s the same way I have success in the gym. Just go. Forget about leg day, arm day or how much ab work you did the day before. Just get there and move your body, the rest will fall into to place.

I can’t drink alcohol like most so to fully feel this new and beautiful life I’ve been GIFTed I choose to be present with a clear mind and soul.

I will keep choosing that today + repeat tomorrow. πŸ₯°πŸ‘πŸΌπŸŒ±πŸ’¦πŸ™ŒπŸΌ


350 Days

You can work sooo hard on healing and growing past trauma but in a flash you can be right back to feeling like it just happened, pain so fresh, wounds still open.

350 days ago I would have instinctively turned to Tito’s to take these feelings away. I would have numbed what was happening and drowned it out.

Yesterday I was forced, forced to sit in some feelings and emotions I haven’t felt in a really really long time.

The kinds of feelings and emotions that are so big and wild you’re not even sure what emotion it is. Scared, angry, frustrated, lost, confused, sad, disappointed, furious, relieved, empathetic, hurt, misunderstood, tired, lonely….. all of them, all at once. #nightmarestatus

When there is no closure or ending to traumatic parts of your life it’s easy for the unhealed to come to surface + the unchecked emotions to pour out. If I’m not careful, my old instincts to numb the emotions shows up rather than use the tools I have now to help let them come and go in a healthy way.

Yesterday I was so emotionally wrecked that I couldn’t do the things I knew would help me out of my funk. It took me hours to find my will power, FORCE myself to eat, take a hot bath, oil up and just BREATHE + relax as best I could through it all. Sadly the tears kept coming, the pain felt so raw + I struggled. Hard.

But I stayed the course. I did the things and went to bed.Did the emotions and feelings get closure and go away, NO! But I feel better, much better, I stayed in control, I did the things I knew would help and never considered the coping mechanisms that would take me backwards.Β #odaat #trauma #healing #justbreathe

We are NOT what happened to us, we are what we choose to become.

π•Žπ•– 𝕒𝕣𝕖 π•Ÿπ• π•₯ 𝕨𝕙𝕒π•₯ π•™π•’π•‘π•‘π•–π•Ÿπ•–π•• π•₯𝕠 𝕦𝕀, 𝕨𝕖 𝕒𝕣𝕖 𝕨𝕙𝕒π•₯ 𝕨𝕖 𝕔𝕙𝕠𝕠𝕀𝕖 π•₯𝕠 π•“π•–π•”π• π•žπ•–. πŸ–€

A lesson I will stop at nothing to make sure the boys truly understand.

Walking through Publix yesterday, Carter said. β€œRemember when you used to drink wine?” I said yes I do. He said β€œwhy did you stop?” + even though I have spoken about this to them before I said, β€œI didn’t like how it was making me feel and it wasn’t letting me be the best mom I could be, so I stopped.” Jax chimes in β€œmakes senseβ€πŸ‘΄πŸ»πŸ€£ It’s important to me that they understand that choices make us or break us.

They already have a prime example of what bad choices with addiction can lead. They already see when someone chooses a substance over being present and able to parent them.

They know their father is sick but I also will not sugarcoat that his disease can be treated and he can recover, he chooses addiction. So this is where choices will show true colors regardless of lies and denial.

Today on the beach living our peaceful + abundant life by design I have 11 months free from alcohol and a life time to go, daily teaching these boys that they are meant for greatness + nothing can stand in their way if they don’t allow it.

Κ™α΄‡α΄„α΄€α΄œsᴇ… π•Žπ•– 𝕒𝕣𝕖 π•Ÿπ• π•₯ 𝕨𝕙𝕒π•₯ π•™π•’π•‘π•‘π•–π•Ÿπ•–π•• π•₯𝕠 𝕦𝕀, 𝕨𝕖 𝕒𝕣𝕖 𝕨𝕙𝕒π•₯ 𝕨𝕖 𝕔𝕙𝕠𝕠𝕀𝕖 π•₯𝕠 π•“π•–π•”π• π•žπ•–. πŸ–€

Donut Worry, Be Happy.

I’m a cryer.Β 
I cry when I’m excited, sad, mad, happy etc etc.Β #alltheemotions

I had taken a happier selfie but then I had a moment. A moment when my eyes filled with tears and my brain and body was overwhelmed with anxiety and fear. A moment that can be paralyzing for me. Why this happens exactly I’m not sure, usually a trigger of some kind.

But the trigger is not what I think about, it’s how I cope with what’s happening that I focus on. 
I find the days when my hormones switch from ovulating to preparing for my period my emotions take a dive. If I’m not careful I can spend days in a huge funk, when I was drinking these days could turn into weeks.

Using alcohol to cope with feeling bad only pushed me further down. Such a viscous cycle and when you’re in the midst of it all and still β€œfunctioning” it seems a perfectly normal to cope.

Eliminating alcohol from my tool box has allowed me to really feel, in the mornings when I would have still been too groggy to function let alone to be awake at all, I’m up before the sun enjoying my drive with a smile on my face on the way to the gym. + yes sometimes tears…as I’m just so overwhelmed with GRATITUDE.

But it also makes me sit in the pain and the anguish that comes along with life and the past that we have had.

Things that would have sent me β€œneeding a glass of wine” now have me breathing through, crying it out, and straight up LETTING IT GO!!! The shift in my mindset in my weakest moments has been nothing short of amazing.

Numbing the issues is no longer an option so I’m forced to push through and come out the other side. 
What Ive discovered during the last 332 days is I am more forgiving, loving, creative and feel more compassion that ever before. I can live in the moment and let go, I can breathe easy knowing, IM IN CONTROL + I GOT THIS.

There will always be shitty days, shitty people and just shit luck. We were dealt some shit cards but there is no way I’m gonna let a few bad moments kill the new vibe of our life.Β 

I was given a GIFT of this life and I plan to ENJOY IT. If I have to cry sometimes too, so be it!Β