three hundred sixty five

All that time in the gym and not once did I practice for this jump.

Something I wanted SO BAD and couldn’t wait to do, I didn’t plan out one bit. 🤔

Kinda like I do most things. Wing that shit. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I go full force into something. I stumble + I fall but ultimately I fail my way to a WIN.

One might say I like to learn things the hard way. Mainly I just do it my own way. 😬

My journey to quit alcohol hasn’t been much different. My only goal was to go to bed without having a drink and repeat the next day. I didn’t want to give myself rules or follow someone’s way. I didn’t want to label myself or make myself do a certain amount of meetings or steps.

It’s the same way I have success in the gym. Just go. Forget about leg day, arm day or how much ab work you did the day before. Just get there and move your body, the rest will fall into to place.

I can’t drink alcohol like most so to fully feel this new and beautiful life I’ve been GIFTed I choose to be present with a clear mind and soul.

I will keep choosing that today + repeat tomorrow. 🥰👏🏼🌱💦🙌🏼


I Frankin’ Got This

Oɴᴇ ғᴏᴏᴛ ɪɴ ғʀᴏɴᴛ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ ᴏᴛʜᴇʀ.
Eᴠᴇʀʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴡɪʟʟ ʙᴇ OK!
I Fʀᴀɴᴋɪɴ’ Gᴏᴛ Tʜɪs.

Just a few mantras to get me through my baby turning 4 tomorrow followed by going out of town for 7 days. 😩😭🤪 Super excited about convention. Like. Sooo. PUMPED.

but I cant help but be worried about the traveling, packing and the boys while I’m gone.

I haven’t been away from Nolan this long EVER and it’s been a long time since I’ve had multiple nights without the boys let alone Kiki.😢 I’m drinking so much water so I can limited the effects of the altitude on my body. I usually have a rough first couple days adjusting but NOT THIS time! I’m determined to kick this trip off healthy and feeling amazing. First alcohol free vacation and I’m ready to feel my best THE WHOLE TIME!

Oɴᴇ ғᴏᴏᴛ ɪɴ ғʀᴏɴᴛ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ ᴏᴛʜᴇʀ.
Eᴠᴇʀʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴡɪʟʟ ʙᴇ OK! 
I Fʀᴀɴᴋɪɴ’ Gᴏᴛ Tʜɪs.

350 Days

You can work sooo hard on healing and growing past trauma but in a flash you can be right back to feeling like it just happened, pain so fresh, wounds still open.

350 days ago I would have instinctively turned to Tito’s to take these feelings away. I would have numbed what was happening and drowned it out.

Yesterday I was forced, forced to sit in some feelings and emotions I haven’t felt in a really really long time.

The kinds of feelings and emotions that are so big and wild you’re not even sure what emotion it is. Scared, angry, frustrated, lost, confused, sad, disappointed, furious, relieved, empathetic, hurt, misunderstood, tired, lonely….. all of them, all at once. #nightmarestatus

When there is no closure or ending to traumatic parts of your life it’s easy for the unhealed to come to surface + the unchecked emotions to pour out. If I’m not careful, my old instincts to numb the emotions shows up rather than use the tools I have now to help let them come and go in a healthy way.

Yesterday I was so emotionally wrecked that I couldn’t do the things I knew would help me out of my funk. It took me hours to find my will power, FORCE myself to eat, take a hot bath, oil up and just BREATHE + relax as best I could through it all. Sadly the tears kept coming, the pain felt so raw + I struggled. Hard.

But I stayed the course. I did the things and went to bed.Did the emotions and feelings get closure and go away, NO! But I feel better, much better, I stayed in control, I did the things I knew would help and never considered the coping mechanisms that would take me backwards. #odaat #trauma #healing #justbreathe

Thank That Girl

If I could go back in time it wouldn’t be to save the girl from the monster. It would be to save the girl from herself.

The image and feelings I had towards my body during my life makes me both sad and mad. 
I refused to wear a bikini or a regular bathing suit without clothes until I was a grown up + I have lived in south Florida since I was 10 years old.

When I became a mother and my body completely changed from pregancy + childbirth, I realized the power of woman’s mind and body.

But realization is only half the battle.

It took me years and removing myself from a toxic partner to be able to actual put all I know and wanted into ACTION.

It was never going to matter what the outside looked like if I wasn’t really happy on the inside + Lord knows you can’t get happy on the inside living with things that like you sick and weak. 👏🏼🖤 #frankthatguy

Now I go to bed with a partner who sets my coffee up so I can have a successful workout, reminds me to eat when he knows I get too busy, and is always telling me he loves me with or without abs and that I’m pretty, strong and capable of anything.

So maybe I wouldn’t save the girl, rather thank her; thank her because she put in the work getting us here. 👏🏼👏🏼🖤🖤

Strong + Powerful

How do you measure STRENGTH + POWER?

Guess it depends on what you want to find out.

I am small. Even at my heaviest, I’m not tall and have a small frame. This is my BODY TYPE. 

I am however BIG in personality. I am LOUD, I talk A whole LOT, + am a FORCE to be reckoned with. 
But even this BIG personality was conditioned to believe being small in size = weak, that having only a high school diploma made me stupid + having emotions or needs made me crazy.

I now know these are all lies but just as repeating the behavior to workout consistently or eat right slowly changes and conditions your body to be stronger + healthier, the same happens when we feed or stimulate our body + minds with negative talk and bad behavior.

This can come from toxic people and toxic environments you allow to consistently condition your mind without even realizing it’s happening. 
Abusers learn early + fast how to use their strengths to weaken yours. This is a tactic, this doesn’t have to be a punch or direct insult because it doesn’t take being beat up to have your power be weakened. Chipping away at your worth and strength piece by piece.

Only when you regain the strength and the power from the inside can you create the change towards your healing and growth. 
Only when you believe in your power and strength now matter what the size of you, your bank account or your likes on social media can you be the warrior and master of your story.✨

Be Powerful.
Be Strong.
Be Brave.
Be YOU. 🖤

We are NOT what happened to us, we are what we choose to become.

𝕎𝕖 𝕒𝕣𝕖 𝕟𝕠𝕥 𝕨𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕡𝕖𝕟𝕖𝕕 𝕥𝕠 𝕦𝕤, 𝕨𝕖 𝕒𝕣𝕖 𝕨𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕨𝕖 𝕔𝕙𝕠𝕠𝕤𝕖 𝕥𝕠 𝕓𝕖𝕔𝕠𝕞𝕖. 🖤

A lesson I will stop at nothing to make sure the boys truly understand.

Walking through Publix yesterday, Carter said. “Remember when you used to drink wine?” I said yes I do. He said “why did you stop?” + even though I have spoken about this to them before I said, “I didn’t like how it was making me feel and it wasn’t letting me be the best mom I could be, so I stopped.” Jax chimes in “makes sense”👴🏻🤣 It’s important to me that they understand that choices make us or break us.

They already have a prime example of what bad choices with addiction can lead. They already see when someone chooses a substance over being present and able to parent them.

They know their father is sick but I also will not sugarcoat that his disease can be treated and he can recover, he chooses addiction. So this is where choices will show true colors regardless of lies and denial.

Today on the beach living our peaceful + abundant life by design I have 11 months free from alcohol and a life time to go, daily teaching these boys that they are meant for greatness + nothing can stand in their way if they don’t allow it.

ʙᴇᴄᴀᴜsᴇ… 𝕎𝕖 𝕒𝕣𝕖 𝕟𝕠𝕥 𝕨𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕡𝕖𝕟𝕖𝕕 𝕥𝕠 𝕦𝕤, 𝕨𝕖 𝕒𝕣𝕖 𝕨𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕨𝕖 𝕔𝕙𝕠𝕠𝕤𝕖 𝕥𝕠 𝕓𝕖𝕔𝕠𝕞𝕖. 🖤

You ARE Doing It.

The stronger I feel the more I am drawn to help others.

I told my mom today that after what I have been through it’s like I have spidey senses when it comes to toxic and harmful people or behavior. ++ the vibes don’t lie.

I know what I share can be uncomfortable for some to read and if you’ve been around a while you know I do limited sugar coating on the stuff I post.

But I post these things because I know in my heart someone somewhere needs to read it. I know that as much fulfillment and greatness this business brings to my life I was put here for more. I experienced what I did and were dealt these cards to help others fight + not feel alone.

To help them demand and fight for better and believe that if they trust in themselves they can break free from the chains of abuse. 
I remember thinking life was hopeless; I remember thinking this was just the way it was.

I just want…shit need you to feel the joys of freedom and happiness. I want you to know this is possible. I want you to know I am here for you and am rooting for you.

You can do this. YOU are DOING IT! 🖤✨

PS: I totally hid my broken pinky nail taking this selfie that’s more for me than you 🤓 #keepingitreal